Better late than never, right?

I usually spend the majority of January prepping for the Walt Disney World Marathon Weekend (half recap HERE, full recap HERE, in case you missed ‘em!) and the following weeks basking in all the post-Disney happiness.

WDW Marathon Weekend = A SUCCESS
(P.S. Anyone else heartbroken that the hat is almost completely gone?!)

It’s always nice to kick off a new year with a marathon, but now that January is over, I thought it was time to get serious about the rest of my goals for this year.

And I am happy to announce that I am officially registered for yet another marathon.

Marathon #5 will be…

::::::::::::::::::::drumroll, please::::::::::::::::::::

www.thenewjerseymarathon.com

(And, just for the record, this was all Todd’s idea…so if anything goes horribly wrong, it’s my full intention to blame him.)

Honestly, I wasn’t planning to run another marathon this soon. I figured I’d take a little bit of a breather, maybe do some half marathons, and gear up for another bout of marathon training in the late summer/fall.

But I’ve already done the New York Marathon…might as well run one that takes place literally 20 minutes from our house.

One of my first half marathons was the Long Branch Half Marathon back in 2013, which is part of the New Jersey Marathon — so it’ll be kind of cool to return and “go all the way” this time. And to be honest, I have a hard time finding the motivation to get out there and run if I don’t have a goal, so I think a spring marathon is probably the best way to keep my momentum going!

2013 Long Branch Half…seems SO long ago.

Also? I want a sub-five. BAD.

I KNOW I could have done better in New York. I KNOW I could have pushed harder in my training…and I definitely KNOW that I wasn’t properly prepared for the course/conditions. I am positive that I can do better, and seeing how this course is supposedly pretty pancake-like (and it will hopefully still be fairly cool in April), I’m hoping I can finally see a “4″ in front of my marathon time!

But in addition to training for a marathon — AGAIN — I’ve also set my sights on some other health/fitness/running goals I hope to accomplish this year. And what better way to stay accountable than to announce them to the world?

1.) Get Fast Again. Okay, so I was never really “fast,” per se’. But ever since I started focusing on marathons, my average pace has climbed from somewhere in the 9:15 area to more like a 10:30. My half marathon times have jumped from around a 2:05 to a 2:25. And for the past several months, I’ve felt nothing but discouraged and sluggish. It’s hard to feel motivated to run when you feel like you’re running through molasses all the time. My legs are always tired, and I couldn’t/wouldn’t find the energy to do any sort of speedwork.

I want my “old” paces back, and I want them back NOW.

Here’s the thing, though…I kinda sorta have no flippin’ clue how to go about this. I used to just naturally run a 10ish-minute/mile, and my pace just improved with consistency alone. And that was that. I have to be honest and say I haven’t done a whole lot of speedwork. And definitely not in conjunction with training for a marathon.

This past weekend, I thought I’d push myself a little harder on some shorter distances, just to see what I could do…and what it would feel like to try to run faster again. And for the first time in forever (*cue Frozen song*) I managed to run a 3-miler in 30 minutes, and then the next day, I challenged myself a little harder to run 4 miles in under 40 minutes.

I was right around a 9:10 for the first mile, then a 9:20, then a 9:30, and a 9:40. I haven’t seen those kinds of paces in probably a year. Granted, it was not easy…those paces used to feel completely comfortable to me, and this time, I was sucking some serious wind. But I surprised myself. I CAN do it. It’s not going to be easy, but I hope that if I start pushing myself a little harder again, I can get back to where I was.

2.) Set a New Half PR. So, I have a confession. My half marathon PR? It’s 2:03, and it’s from my very first half marathon (I’m not counting the Princess Half, because I did NOT run that one for time). It was way back in April 2013.

And that is just SAD.

“Runapalooza” in Asbury Park: my half marathon PR. TWO YEARS AGO.

Since then, I’ve come close (that year I ran a bunch of halfs in 2:04, 2:07, 2:10…) but never actually beat it. This infuriates me to no end because you’d think that with all the finish lines I’ve crossed since then, I should have seen some improvement from my first race EVER, right?!

You know how I said I wanted a sub-five marathon? Well, I want a sub-two half marathon just as badly.

Clearly, I’m not training properly — and I will be the FIRST to admit that — and that’s something that needs to change pronto. I’m proud of all of my accomplishments, don’t get me wrong…but at the same time, I’m tired of “just” being happy to finish. I want to get better. I want to know that all the hours I pour into running are actually paying off.

In other news, I just realized that my half PR will no longer be useable when I apply for corral placement in Disney races. We *MAY* be running the Wine & Dine Half Marathon this year, and proof of time has to be from a race after November 2013. And I really don’t have any times from last year that are even remotely close to 2 hours. *Insert panic here.* You know I don’t run Disney race for time, but I DO want the best corral placement I can have…mainly so I can get to the characters (and the post-race PARTAY) a little faster.

Which means I have no choice but to stop resting on my laurels and actually get out there and RACE again. The plan is to take this month to start slowly building up some mileage (I’m using a beginner marathon plan for now), but mainly focus on speed for the shorter runs and trying to improve my longer run performance (more consistent paces, etc.). I hope to run a race or two in March to see what I can do…since I’m going to need the flattest course possible and cooler temperatures if I have any hopes of performing well.

Getting our marathon training started…on snow and ice. Gotta love it.

We’re thinking of possibly doing The Love Run in Philadelphia, and there’s also a local 10-miler for St. Patrick’s Day (which I’ve also done in the past) but I recall it being nothing but hills…which is no bueno for me.

I’m realistic enough to know that my next half isn’t going to be a PR, but I’d like to get a little bit closer to 2:00. That way, I can take most of March and April to continue training for the marathon…and then maybe try another half or two (any of you New Jerseyans ever run the Wildwood Half?!) afterwards.

3.) Tackle a Tri. I’ve been talking about this one for, like, ever. I’d love to see what I can do in a multi-sport race. I love cycling, but between running and karate, I never feel like I can squeeze it into my weekly training regimen. And because of my fear of the swimming portion — I CAN swim, but I’m definitely not the strongest swimmer — I keep putting it off.

But I looked into a few local triathlons, like the Jersey Girl Triathlon, which seems perfect for a beginner like me. It’s a 3-mile run, 11-mile bike ride, and 300-yard swim. I haven’t signed up yet, so nothing is official. But I figure I’d already be well trained to take on a 3-mile run (duh), and whenever I do cycle it’s always for at least 10 miles, so I’d just have to become a little more consistent.

As for the swimming…well…I figure it’s a great form of cross-training, and I won’t be racing in the late spring/early summer (TOO HOT), so I can focus on improving my performance in the water.

4.) Drop a Few Lbs. I haven’t really written about this here yet. But I’m sure ya’ll can see that I don’t look quite the same as the picture in my blog header, which was taken two years ago. Ever since I started running marathons, I’ve watched my body change. I’m still wearing the same size and everything, but jeans that used to be loose just fit me now, some of my old running shorts are a little too tight for comfort, and some of my dresses are showing a bit more in my mid-section than I’d care to see. I’ve watched my legs and arms continue to get a little bulkier, which I do attribute partially to the Thai/Taekwondo and running — and that’s fine — but I find myself feeling self-conscious about my body again. And I hate it.

I had finally reached a point where I felt good about my body. Then I become more physically active than I’ve ever been, run a couple of marathons…and start to put weight back on? Where’s the fairness in THAT?!

I’ve been struggling to strike the balance between eating what my body needs to fuel my running — particularly for marathon training — and yet not overdoing it. I struggle with the “rungries” constantly, and that assumption that because I ran for 2 or 3 or 4 hours on a Sunday, that I can eat whatever I want. I haven’t weighed myself in more than 2 years, nor do I even a little bit care what my current weight is. I spent my entire life chained to that scale, and allowed a stupid little plastic box to crush my self-esteem time and time again.

All I care about is feeling comfortable in my own skin again, so my goal for this year is to get back to where I was, mentally speaking. I don’t plan to go back to counting POINTs again, but I know enough about portion sizes and how much I was eating when I lost the weight to simply tighten things up a bit and be more careful about what I’m putting into my body.

5.) Cook More. To that end, we’ve been making a more serious effort to cook in this house. Both of us pretty much suck at it, and I have absolutely no patience whatsoever in the kitchen. Truth be told, I really don’t enjoy cooking AT ALL. I know how to read nutrition labels, so I’ve always tried to pick the healthiest, most “natural” stuff to stock the kitchen…but we’ve been relying on frozen conveniences just a tad too often.

So I’ve turned back to Weight Watchers, so to speak, and we’re making an effort to try at least 2-3 new recipes a week from their database (my mom still has an active membership, so I just log-in under her name…shhhhhhh). I like it because the recipes are genuinely good (and good-for-you!) and you can filter them by prep time, difficulty level, etc…and there’s no shortage of main meal options that even an idiot like me can put together. And I’ve ordered a few cookbooks from Amazon. So, we’ll see what happens.

20 minutes ’til dinner? That’s what I’m talkin’ about…

6.) Become a brown belt. I’m still plugging away at Taekwondo. Now that I’m no longer considered a beginner, the higher belt level classes tend to be a little later in the evening — which means I can squeeze more of them into my weekly schedule.

I’m still way behind the other adults I joined with (who can make several classes per week), and that can be discouraging sometimes. And as much as I love martial arts, I know the wear-and-tear it puts on my legs isn’t always ideal for marathon training! But I’m doing the best I can to make it to class and work on mastering my curriculum for each belt…so, hopefully, I’ll be testing for my red belt soon, and maybe even my brown belt by the end of 2015! Patience is a virtue, right?

How are you doing on your 2015 goals?

Who has tips on speedwork for me?!

Northeast peeps…what are some of your favorite local half marathons?

I think that kind of makes this whole thing real!

I can’t believe it’s almost here. In some ways, I feel like I’ve been training for this race forever…and in others, it feels like it was just days ago when I received notification that by some stroke of luck, I had been accepted to run the New York City Marathon. (And on my first try, no less.)

Yesterday, Todd and I arrived at the enormous Javits Convention Center just as the expo was opening at 10am. After being ushered into a looooong line of runners to have my ID checked, I picked up my bib, shirt, and other race essentials, including the “No Baggage” wristband I have to wear on race day (no need to check bags when I’ve got my race manager to hold my stuff for me, haha). There were a LOT of people there, but the lines were moving efficiently and I didn’t have much of a wait to get into the main expo area.

We caved and paid the exorbitant amount of money for Todd to have access to the finish line cheering bleachers. After some discussion, we determined that since neither of us knows the city all that well (outside of the touristy areas, anyway), and he’s not exactly a seasoned NYC navigator, that he will plant himself at the finish line and wait for me there instead of attempting to see me along the course. Which is totally fine by me. My sister was also supposed to spectate at the finish line, but she can’t be there on race day — I’m disappointed and have been upset about it the past couple of days, but I’m trying not to dwell on it too much now.

I know there will be plenty of spectator support to help push me forward along the way, and at the end of the day, this is my race, and something I know I need to do — and CAN do — for myself.

We then made our way into the official Asics race merchandise area, which was MASSIVE. I gotta say, runDisney merch is better quality, IMHO, but the way they laid everything out definitely made the official race merchandise area MUCH easier to navigate than a Disney expo. I may or may not have purchased a few items — including my must-have New York City Marathon jacket — before we made our way into the main expo area.

After we stood in line to check out and finally exit Asics-land, I was honestly a little surprised because the rest of the expo didn’t seem quite as huge as I imagined it to be. There were tons and tons of the usual vendors, of course, and I hit up my favorite go-tos (gotta have an NYC-themed Sweaty Band!), but I think I’ve just been to too many race expos. Nothing seems to impress me anymore.

However, even though it was still in the early hours of the expo on the first day, there were WALL-TO-WALL people and we could hardly move…so I’d hate to see how it looks today and Saturday! We spent some time browsing an assortment of running goodies, including the official NYC Marathon Brooks sneaker which I convinced myself not to buy (they’re a support sneaker, so I can’t even run in them, anyway).

And then we headed upstairs, where there were some booths and more information on the race itself. And, if you “visited all 5 boroughs” upstairs, you got a free poster. Score!

So now I’m working on gathering throwaway clothes for the starting village and finalizing my costume — I know you didn’t think I wouldn’t be running in costume.

I went with an obvious choice:

I won’t be running in FULL costume or anything, and I’m still debating whether or not I’ll be running with the torch (it’s a lot lighter than it looks) or saving it for post-race photos, but I did feel the need to put a little something special on the back of my shirt. Especially since I’m (already!) approaching the seven-year anniversary of when I first joined Weight Watchers and began my weight loss journey way back in November 2007. Plus, a little shameless self-promotion never hurt anybody, right?

If you see me, PLEASE say hi! I’m running alone and definitely wouldn’t mind the company. Especially in the wee morning hours as I’m huddled in the fetal position waiting outside for 4 hours in 30-something degree temperatures.

Anyway, now I’m basically sitting around with my feet up for the next two days. I completed my final long run of 8 miles last Sunday, but other than that, I’ve logged all of 4 total miles this week, and plan to do a quick and SLOW shake-out run either today or tomorrow (not exceeding 2-3 miles). I’ve also skipped all of my Taekwondo and Thai kickboxing classes this week, especially since my lower back and left knee have been bothering me as of late.

I’ve been guzzling Emergen-C packets, drinking lots of water, going to bed extra early, and basically walking on eggshells to ensure that I toe the starting line on Sunday as healthy as possible. I’ve never really gone into a marathon fully rested before (um, hello, Dopey Challenge?!), so I’m giving this whole taper concept a real shot.

(And I’m LOVING it, BTW…I’m definitely not struggling with taper crazies as I know many of my fellow NYCM runners are.)

Now that I know what the weather is supposed to be like on Sunday — cold and freakin’ WINDY — that’s messing with me a little bit. Granted, I wouldn’t care if it was 20 degrees, because I perform much, MUCH better in the cold…but I can’t say I care for wind all that much (um, hello, Chanukah Chalf?!).

And, of course, I’m sitting here with my usual pre-race doubts…”I shouldn’t have skipped so many of the shorter runs,” “I shouldn’t have taken so many karate classes,” “I should have pushed harder on my long runs,” and blah blah blah.

I’m still aiming for a sub-five hour finish time. My “A” goal was originally around 4:30, but I know that’s likely out of my reach given the way my training ended up going and how I’ve been performing in half marathons as of late. But I do think a 4:45 is possible, and, honestly, I’ll be happier than a pig in you-know-what if I cross that finish line in anything under five hours. My training didn’t go perfectly, but I can honestly say that I did that absolute best that I could these past several months — and I do feel SO ready for this race!

No matter what happens on the course on Sunday, I know this is going to be a life-changing experience for me. I can’t possibly go from someone who was morbidly obese to a New York City Marathon runner and not marvel at how far I’ve come. To think back on the person I once was and to be able to sit here and feel so confident that I will conquer these 26.2 miles — honestly, my biggest race-day concern is missing the bus from New Jersey! — is an amazing feeling. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Except maybe a 4:30.

Whatever my finish time is, I feel truly blessed to have the ability to run this race. I know this isn’t my first marathon, but in some ways, it kind of feels like it is. It’s my third 26.2, but the first I will genuinely be running for time/to see what I’m made of…and I know there is NO race like the NYC Marathon!

In closing, I am SO FREAKIN’ EXCITED I CAN’T EVEN STAND IT RIGHT NOW.

How do you deal with pre-race nerves/jitters/excitement?

Who else is running with me on Sunday?!

I have a blog.

While those of you who follow me on Twitter — my main forum for publicizing the goings-on here at “The Final Forty” — may be scratching your heads right now, allow me to explain.

2007, size 20W

I started blogging in January of 2010 after my weight loss progress on Weight Watchers halted to a standstill. I had shed 80 pounds in 2008, followed by a SLOOOW 10 pounds in 2009, and then after that…nothing. Nada. Zilch. I did absolutely everything I could think to do to kickstart my weight loss again, and yet that scale just would not budge.

Meanwhile, throughout the process of losing so much weight in such a short period of time, I was forced to face an endless string of emotional issues. As I watched my body shrink from a size 20/22W to a size 8/10M, all of the issues that had led me to become so overweight in the first place came rushing to the surface. I had been drowning my emotions in food for so long that once that crutch was no longer there, I didn’t know how to deal with it all. Desperate to keep the weight off, I went in search of anything I could do to make sure my various issues didn’t become so overwhelming that I ended up returning to my old ways…as I had done so many times in the past.

And that is why I started blogging. It was for no reason than to serve as a place for me to sort through all of the issues that go along with making such a drastic lifestyle change so quickly. I told a select handful of people about my blog, assuming that nobody would ever care to venture into the inner-workings of my mind, and that was that. I posted a new blog every week or two…or month or two…and it continued to serve as a personal diary of sorts.

The reason I write this post today is because I am tired of hiding. I have spent the majority of my life hiding behind my weight and using it as an excuse not to do what I really want to do.

I was bullied day in and day out for years for being “the fat girl,” and it’s hard for me to admit it, but I am so not over the pain and humiliation that comes from being singled out and having what I believed was my worst flaw pointed out to me over and over again in the cruelest ways imaginable. I am not over it. I probably never will be.

2012, size 10M

I always wondered if some of my former classmates would ever stumble upon my blog, and that thought used to terrify me…but it is within the last few months that I’ve realized that, in many ways, I owe a part of my success to them. I use the pain of what they put me through to fuel me today…and while I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, facing that kind of adversity from such a young age has forced me to work so much harder and made me so much stronger than I ever thought I could be.

This whole quest to lose “the final forty” has been frustrating, to say the least, but it has also been the most rewarding and fulfilling experience of my life…and I wouldn’t trade my journey for anything. Whether the scale reflects it or not, my body continues to change, and five years later, I can say that my mind is FINALLY starting to catch up with the person I am on the outside.

I owe a lot of that to the incredible support and encouragement that I started to find as soon as I began opening myself up to others, whether it was on Twitter or Facebook or through the countless amazing blogs I read written by people who continue to inspire me to chase my goals every single day, whether it’s pitching my dream magazine or registering for my next half marathon.

My blog is starting to grow now — in fact, I’ll be sharing a new brand ambassadorship here very soon! — and while it will always be a little strange posting personal thoughts and feelings to be read by people I know in “real life,” I’m not afraid anymore. Believe it or not, until today, I never even advertised my own blog on my personal Facebook page…I was judged for so long that it was hard not to obsess over what people would think about my musings on such personal topics as loose skin, or my most embarrassing “before” photos.

But you know what…this is me today, and as hard as it is for me to admit it sometimes, I’m proud of myself. I’m proud of how far I’ve come, I’m proud of who I am, and after 20+ years of hating my body, I’ve finally reached a place where I can accept myself just the way I am…and I don’t care who knows it. I mean, if I can post pictures of myself in a bathing suit for all the world to see, then I shouldn’t be afraid of anything, right?

People sometimes tell me that I am an inspiration to them (in fact, this awesome runner I’ve been following actually wrote a blog post inspired by something I talked about here, and that is just so unbelievably flattering to me…thank you!), and while it’s hard for me to wrap my mind around the notion of inspiring someone else, I do believe I have something to offer the world…and I plan to do just that.

I don’t think I would be where I am today in my running journey if it wasn’t for the community of runners who are always willing to share advice and words of encouragement and, yes, even to talk me off the ledge, so to speak, when I was convinced that I’d never be able to finish a 5k…or a 10k…or a half marathon.

I want to fully engage in that community, and I want to fully commit to my running goals — and it all starts with not being afraid to put myself out there.

Discovering my passion for running (and martial arts!) has helped me to conquer so many of my demons, and maybe I’m as addicted to running as I once was addicted to food — jury’s still out on how healthy THAT is! — but I don’t know where I’d be if I didn’t finally discover something that has helped give meaning to my transformation and my future as a healthy, active person.

So…if you’re reading this, and would be so kind as to connect with me, here’s where to find me. No more hiding!

Twitter: https://twitter.com/jenniferlnelson

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TheFinalForty

E-mail: thefinalforty at gmail dot com

Professional website: www.jenniferlnelson.com

Do you ever have a hard time posting about personal topics when people you know in “real life” are reading?

As per my usual MO, I spent weeks freaking out about this test. Was I going to survive the workout? Could I remember all of the forms and self-defense moves? Could I break all of the boards? Was I going to fall flat on my face in front of everyone? Were spectators going to think I was strong enough, fast enough, fit enough, flexible enough to be a martial artist?

Then when I found out I was going to be expected to give a speech (mind you, a mere 60-90 second “testimonial” about what our martial arts training has done for us), that’s when I began losing sleep over the whole thing.

I know it’s only natural to feel butterflies before an event like this, but for me, I also happen to know that my nerves tend to run a little bit deeper than jitters.

After all this time, I still struggle with my self-confidence, and have to constantly force myself to believe that I CAN finish a 10K or ace a martial arts test or submit a great article for that new-to-me magazine. I waste an unbelievable amount of energy convincing myself that I’m not going to be able to do something — even when I know it’s ridiculous.

On Saturday, I had a few little amusing missteps — four attempts to break a few stupid wooden boards with a side-kick! — but you know what? I did just fine. Like I always do.

And that speech I’ve been panicking about? Thanks to the help of my my theater-trained sister, I was the only one who didn’t read straight from a piece of paper (which, by the way, I was told we were NOT going to have in front of us). I spoke from the heart about what martial arts has done for me, and all the words I had rehearsed just came pouring out. I even received a round of applause for my announcement about running my first half marathon next month, and several of my fellow candidates told me that I’m an inspiration and/or they had no idea I used to be overweight — both of which are still so hard for me to wrap my mind around.

I’m finding that every time I prove to myself I CAN do something, whether it’s crossing the finish line of a race or even having to (gasp!) speak in public, my self-confidence grows just a tiny little bit.

Maybe someday I’ll be able to stop doubting myself and finally find my self-confidence, but for now, I’m thrilled with each and every step that gets me there.

In case anyone was curious, I thought I’d share the “testimonial” I submitted to be chosen to speak. Like running, I really do believe that martial arts has changed my life — so while it’s always a bit awkward for me to share the sordid details of my weight struggles, it really was an honor.

Shortly before I began the Thai Kickboxing program, I weighed almost 100 pounds more than I do today. I’ve struggled with obesity since childhood, and have always been 40, 60, or even 80 or more pounds overweight at any given time throughout my life.

 After losing 90 pounds on Weight Watchers in 2008, I found myself getting bored with the treadmill and my usual gym routine.  I was terrified of gaining my weight back — as I had done so many times in the past — and wanted to find something that would keep me motivated and ensure that I never again returned to my old ways.

After my first Thai Kickboxing class, I was completely hooked…and today I can’t imagine my life without martial arts.

My training ended up doing so much more than helping me maintain my weight loss.  Today I’m in the best shape of my life, and feel both physically and mentally stronger than I ever thought possible. It has helped me break the cycle of constantly obsessing over my dress size, the number on the scale, or the need to be “skinny” — all I care about is being the healthiest person I can be, and pushing myself to become stronger, faster, and more physically fit.

Proving to myself that I could succeed in this program has given me the confidence to pursue my career goals and try other things I never thought I could do; I’ve recently started taking Taekwondo, and I’m training to run my first half marathon next month. 

Five years ago I never could have imagined that I would enjoy waking up on a Sunday morning to endure an agonizing kickboxing workout, or head out for a 10-mile run.  My training has inspired me to live by principles like perseverance and self-control, and ultimately develop the tools I needed to conquer my weight problem once and for all.

I want to thank all of the instructors for always motivating us to improve, and for pushing us harder than we think we can go. I also want to thank you for the words of wisdom and motivation you share with us during class.  They are truly powerful for people like me who need the reminder of how far we’ve come — and why our health and physical fitness is worth fighting for.

What are some things you’ve done to help boost your self-confidence?

This is, by far, the longest I have ever succeeded in sticking to a “diet,” and it is absolutely the first time I’ve ever been able to maintain my weight loss — I’ve been maintaining my 90-pound loss since the beginning of 2009.

And it’s all because it stopped being a “diet” to me after the first week or two on the program.

If you had told me in 2007 that I would one day train for a half marathon or wear a bikini or actually enjoy eating spinach, I would have laughed in your face. These were things that were so completely foreign to me, and yet just five years later my love of quinoa and addiction to 10Ks are part of my daily life.

It took me quite some time to figure out that weight loss isn’t about going on a diet and starving yourself. It’s about making a commitment…to healthy eating and exercise, of course, but also to not allowing yourself to give up.

I am where I am today because I decided to make eating nutritious foods and exercising several times a week my new lifestyle. I made it part of who I was as a person, not just something I was doing to drop a few dress sizes. I don’t just run…I became a runner. I don’t just go to kickboxing or Taekwondo classes…I became a martial artist. I didn’t just start eating salads and skipping dessert…I took the time to educate myself on what my body needs to function at its best, and became passionate about nutrition.

At first, however, I was inspired to rejoin Weight Watchers at age 22 for no other reason than fear: I had stepped on the scale (“just for fun”) and saw that I was well on my way to becoming a 300-pound 25-year-old.

My first official weigh-in clocked me in at 263.4 pounds. At the time, I was busting out of my size 20/22W pants.

Today, I continue to hover right around 175 pounds, and am a very comfortable size 8/10M.

Did I think that I would be at my “goal weight” by now? No question about it. I’d love to step on the scale and see a nice red 135 or 140. But if there’s anything that I’ve learned in the last five years, it’s that weight is truly just a number…and that it is far more important to learn to accept your body and appreciate your health. I don’t love my loose skin or my stretch marks, but you know what? I earned them — and they will forever remain visual proof of just how far I’ve come.

Instead of constantly tearing myself down, I’ve learned to take pride in my efforts. I don’t eat perfectly every single moment of every single day, but I do the best I can — and if I happen to indulge in an extra holiday cookie or two (or three or four…) this month, I’m not going to beat myself up about it.

I eat ice cream and chips and chocolate, but they no longer control me…I know that I can enjoy the foods I love in moderation without falling victim to my old ways. I’m not the fastest runner, but I continue to lace up my sneakers almost every day and register for races because I’ve learned to be happy with progress — not perfection. I’m doing everything I can to take care of my body and make up for two decades of taking my health for granted.

Five years ago, I couldn’t begin to describe the misery I was experiencing every single day. Being obese is about more than having trouble finding cute clothes…it affects the way you see yourself, and touches every aspect of your life. I refused to participate in anything for fear of what people might be thinking about “that fat girl.” To me, everything was impossible, and I decided that any dream I had (e.g. becoming a writer) was simply out of my reach. And that was that. I was unhappy, and I just didn’t like myself…and that’s the only logical explanation that I can offer for allowing myself to pack on 100 pounds over the course of five years.

My non-working hours were spent gouging myself on junk food when I thought nobody was looking, and I was practically on a first-name basis with the drive-thru employees at every fast food chain in a five-mile radius.  While I graduated high school as a reasonable size 10/12 (only because I crash-dieted and lost 60 pounds for the prom), I proceeded to pack on the freshman 50 once I started college…and an additional 50 after that by the time I was working at my first magazine job and struggling to find the confidence to pitch stories and take on more writing assignments. To me, nothing I did was good enough. I suffered from severe acid reflux and who knows what else, since I refused to visit a doctor for fear that they might give me a lecture about being too fat.

I did nothing to fix any of these problems, because I was so sure that I was destined to live a life of obesity. I had given up on myself at age 22, and simply resigned myself to being fat for the rest of my life. I can tell you from firsthand experience that there is absolutely nothing worse than believing that you are not just not worthy of happiness.

Today, I still have my share of problems. Believe me when I tell you that weight loss does not magically make your life perfect, and I continue to struggle every day with many of the same issues I had when I was 100 pounds heavier, from difficulty making friends to dealing with stress without making a trip to the refrigerator.

But for someone who has relied on food for comfort since childhood, the fact that I am here, five years later, has changed my entire outlook on life. If I can finally develop a healthy relationship with food or learn to love working out, then I can do ANYTHING. Sure, it’s great to wear cute dresses and not hate the way I look in every single photo, but knowing that I have done something many people struggle to do their entire lives means more to me than anything else in the world.

I have changed my life. I have rewritten my own life story. I have transformed myself from someone who couldn’t walk for 10 minutes to someone who runs 10 miles on the weekend.

I look forward to another five years of health and happiness…and, who knows, maybe by my 10-year anniversary blog post I’ll be training for my second or third full marathon. Anything is possible!

My weight has fluctuated up and down (and up and down again) since I was in elementary school. I’d start a weight loss program (read: starve myself), lose 10 pounds, then quit. I’d start a new diet a year later, drop a dress size, and quit. After ballooning to 220 pounds in middle school, I managed to lose 60 pounds in time for my my senior prom…but then, that’s right, I quit again, and returned to Weight Watchers (my weight loss program of choice) for the final time as a 267-pound 22-year-old.

When I first started running — strictly as a way to torch as many calories in as little amount of time, mind you — there were weeks when I was committed and consistent, squeezing in at least 3-4 runs each week and basking in my ability to run longer and harder without having to take as many walk breaks.

I didn’t start registering for races until a year ago, and suddenly, my finish time in local 5Ks started affecting my attitude about running in the same way the scale had always managed to sabotage my diet plan of the month.

If I had a bad week on Weight Watchers and, heaven forbid, gained a pound or two, I’d get discouraged and start letting my efforts slide. I’d go into hiding for several weeks, vowing to return to my meeting only when I was satisfied that the scale would not show a gain again. I probably don’t need to tell you how many times I simply never returned.

When I struggled through a 5K — even if it was because I hadn’t been training properly, or the weather was humid, or I wasn’t eating right  — I’d take what I believed was a less-than-satisfactory finish time and use it as an excuse to quit running for a month or two…because, after all, one bad race surely meant I was just too fat to run. Why bother?

I guess with age comes wisdom (or something like that), because the secret of what it takes to lose weight, or to become a better runner, finally clicked: persistence.

When I began my most recent weight loss journey in November 2007, I made a promise to myself that no matter what, I was not going to give up. Nearly five years later, I’m still not at “goal,” and I’ve certainly had my share of not-so-successful weeks (and months), but I never once allowed myself to completely throw in the towel and return to my old ways. I’ve lost 90 pounds, and am maintaining my weight loss for the first time in my life…and all because I just keep going.

After my unsatisfying performance in this July’s Firecracker 4-miler, I realized that I had a decision to make. Was I going to continue running recreationally as a cardio workout, or was I going to take the sport seriously and commit myself to trying to improve? I realized that my 2-3 mile walk/runs every few days were probably not doing anything for me (duh), and that if I was going to keep dropping 20 or 30 bucks on races every couple of months, I should probably give a real training plan a shot.

You know…actually try to succeed at something before convincing myself that I’m going to fail.

And that’s the real reason why I signed up for the Disney Princess Half Marathon…I needed to plop down a few thousand dollars (yes, that’s right…I just booked a six-night getaway at Disney’s Port Orleans Resort — French Quarter for $1,500, on top of race fees, airfare, park tickets, etc.) to force myself to choose a running-related goal — complete a half marathon without being hauled away in a body bag — and then actually stick to it.

And the crazy just keeps on coming. I’ve already signed up for my first 10K this fall, Brian’s Run in Wayne, NJ – the day before I leave for a 9-day vacation to Disney World in September. I have my sights set on a few other 10Ks in October and November.

But it’s working.

The Cranford Jaycees’ Firecracker 4-Miler and the Central Jersey Road Runner Club’s Not Quite Fall Classic 4-Miler, which I just ran this past weekend, both follow the exact same course.

On July 4, I came in at 40:37, for an average pace of 10:09. I constantly kept having to stop to “tie my shoes” just to catch my breath, and the 4 miles felt more like 14 miles.

After a month and a half of following my own unique blend of a 10K and half marathon training plan that I found on Cool Running, I ran that same course on August 26 in the Not Quite Fall Classic 4-Miler in 35:46, for an average pace of 8:56.

Not only have I been training consistently, but I went into the race with a very specific plan: I wanted to finish the first mile at an 8:30 pace, the second at 9, the third at 9:30, and the last mile at 10. Much to my utter and complete shock, I finished the first mile in 8:30 and then maintained a steady pace hovering right around 9 minutes for the duration of the race. Best of all, I legitimately took 3rd place for my age group (but was awarded the 2nd place medal because there are no double awards).

People have asked me how I stay “motivated” to lose weight, or continually put my body through the rigors of running. I can promise you this: whether you’re trying to shed a few pounds, or you’re a fledgling runner training for a race (or both, like me), “motivation” often has very little to do with it.

You don’t necessarily have to be motivated to achieve a goal — but you do have to be persistent.

I’m rarely “motivated” to choose a veggie burger and side salad over a juicy cheeseburger and fries, or to log a 5-mile run when my legs are sore or I’m tired from working all day or I just plain don’t feel like it. To me, it’s kind of like asking someone how they stay “motivated” to brush their teeth every morning. It’s just something you do.

I can definitely feel motivated by the way my jeans fit or setting a new PR, but on those days when I lose a battle with a bag of kettle corn or struggle through a slow 2-mile run, it’s persistence alone that keeps me moving forward.

How has persistence helped you achieve your goals?

The humiliation of that day is seared into my memory. I remember I had completely forgotten my change of clothes, so I showed up at the gym wearing those Skechers sneakers with the platforms that were “in” at the time (and I commuted, so it wasn’t like I could go back to my dorm and change my footwear). At least I was wearing sweats, since that was pretty much all that fit me at the time.

I weighed at least 250 pounds by the time I graduated from college, quite possibly more (I wouldn’t know, because I avoided scales and mirrors at all costs). I grew winded walking across campus to the library, and did nothing but study and work, hitting the drive-thru hard between classes and munching on vending machine snacks whenever the mood would strike.

I think it goes without saying that running was a physical impossibility.

To make a long story short, not only did I come in dead last on the mile that day, but I never even finished. As I was grunting, sweating, and trying to ignore the blisters forming in my platform sneakers, some of my classmates were jogging up beside me to lend their encouragement and chant “you can do it!”

By the time everyone else had finished and I still had another two laps to go, I pretended like I was done just so I could leave the track and rush to my car and burst into tears. That mile felt like a marathon to me, and I was so ashamed that I was the only person in the class who seemed to have such trouble completing the test. I know the instructor knew I hadn’t finished, but I saw the pity in her eyes when she let me call it quits.

And that, my friends, is just one of many of my not-so-wonderful memories associated with running. It was always something that I simply could not do.

That is, until now. I don’t remember the last time I wanted something this much. And the difference now is that I can.

I am officially registered for the Disney Princess Half Marathon, and I’m also lining up a fall racing schedule that includes at least two 10Ks. I’ve never competed in any race longer than four miles, but I want to get used to running longer distances — and, more importantly, be able to submit a 10K proof of time to the folks at RunDisney to qualify to start in one of the earlier corrals on race day.

This weekend, I ran seven miles — my longest run to date. Mind you, I pretty much shuffled through the last mile, but I made a decision to complete seven miles on my “long run” day, and I actually did it. Yesterday I went out on a five mile run, as if it were the most normal thing in the world for me to do on a Tuesday afternoon. I can already feel myself getting stronger and faster.

There is something that feels damn good about doing something you never thought possible. With running, my success is even sweeter, because it literally was something I could not do. Meanwhile, I had all but given up on myself before embarking on my most recent and final weight loss journey. I never thought I would be able to beat the obesity that has plagued me since childhood, and experience life as an averaged-sized person.

I’d be lying if I said the excitement I feel when I see my byline in a magazine isn’t, in part, caused by the fact that I was told over and over again that I could never be a writer: “it’s too competitive,” “you’ll never make any money,” “you need to get a real job,” etc. This has been my dream since I was eight years old, and I relish the fact that I am doing what I love every single day and proving all the naysayers wrong.

Don’t get me wrong: going into business for myself was scary. Joining Weight Watchers for the umpteenth time was scary. And the idea of running a half marathon is downright terrifying. But I’m starting to realize how important it is to embrace that fear.

I know now there is nothing more gratifying than doing something you thought you couldn’t do. That’s why I will keep lacing up my sneakers and training for that half marathon!

Is there something you do now that you never thought possible?

On July 4, I ran the local Firecracker 4-Miler race in my hometown for the second year. Despite the fact that last year’s event was my very first race ever, and that it was the exact same course and we were experiencing very similar weather (hot and humid!), I showed absolutely no improvement from last year. In fact, I came in at almost exactly the same time, to the second. I struggled from start to finish, and couldn’t keep myself from stopping to catch my breath or surreptitiously take a break to “tie my sneakers” during the race.

As I was beating myself up afterwards, and trying to come up with excuses for not achieving what I thought would be an easy goal for me — beating last year’s time — I couldn’t help the niggling feeling that I was simply trying to not take responsibility for not working hard enough. All this time, I’ve been going out on 2 or 3 mile runs here and there. I wasn’t being consistent — sometimes weeks would pass without running at all — and I wasn’t exactly adhering to any of the advice I was skimming in my monthly issue of Runner’s World or any of my countless running-related Google searches about how to improve my speed or perform better on race day.

In short, I started to think about how I’ve been making excuses and only doing things “halfway” for quite some time…and how running is only one example.

It sometimes takes months for me to send out a fresh batch of article pitches to my dream magazines. I’m constantly telling myself I’ll e-mail that editor “tomorrow,” or finish that story query “after I do more research.” But then I end up convincing myself that it’s a stupid idea, or the editor is “just going to ignore me, anyway,” so it never actually gets done. Meanwhile, I always make promises to myself about blogging more often, since it’s something I love to do…but take one look at my past posting history and you’ll see that I can’t seem to manage more than one post a month.

When it comes to Weight Watchers, my attempts to reach my goal of 100 pounds lost are quite laughable. I’m only casually counting POINTS, and I’m doing way more guesstimating than ever. I still measure out everyday staples like 3/4 cup of cereal, but then when it comes time to enjoy some frozen yogurt after dinner, I somehow seem to forget where the measuring cups are located, because “I worked out today, so I deserve a treat.” I’ve also been allowing myself a few-too-many binges on weekends, from extra glasses of wine to munching handfuls of Angie’s Kettle Corn on the beach. That excuse is an easy one: “It’s the weekend!”

For months, I have been putting in shorter and shorter workouts (when I’m not in kickboxing class, that is), justifying their brevity with classic excuses like “I don’t have time.”

But then I wonder why I’m never landing those writing assignments, why the scale won’t budge, and why my fitness level (or ability to run a 4-miler without wanting to die!) has completely plateaued.

So, I decided to do something to take down the Excuses Monster once and for all. I decided to start by choosing one goal — in this case, being a better runner — and not allowing any more excuses.

I’m proud to report that I have chosen quite a lofty goal, and for the past three weeks, have been diligently working towards making it a reality. With no excuses!

It started with stumbling upon some race recaps on running blogs about the Disney Princess Half Marathon in Feb. 2013, and knowing that it was something I absolutely, positively had to do. I have harbored a deep-seated Disney obsession since I was in diapers, and running through the Magic Kingdom would be a dream come true. I just have to do it.

That’s right. I am going to run a half marathon.

Before I convinced myself that “I’m not good enough, fast enough, experienced enough, etc. to run a half marathon,” I set out in search of a training plan and for the past three weeks have been running 5 times a week, with mileage ranging from 2 miles to 6 miles. I invested in a Dry-Erase board to chart my monthly training runs, and I became a member of the Daily Mile to track my progress on-line. I created a little inspiration corner in my office with photos, brochures of races I want to run, medals, and even a painting my sister made of me crossing the finish line, and I use them as a daily reminder of how much I want to reach this goal.

And it’s already paying off. I competed once again in the Downtown Westfield 5k and Pizza Extravaganza, and the race that took me 33:03 last year only took 29:15. It wasn’t easy, and the course was incredibly hilly, but I didn’t once feel the need to stop. I felt comfortable and confident, because I knew, deep down, that I had put in the work…and wasn’t letting anything stand in my way.

There are no end to the excuses I could make to talk myself out of training for a 13 mile run — especially when the longest race I’ve ever participated in was a measly three miles. Aside from the physical agony and very real possibility of me not making it to the finish line, it’s out of state and extremely expensive…and basically another excuse for me to take a vacation.

But if I’m ever going to move forward, whether it’s in my writing career, weight loss, or fledgling attempts at running, I have got to stop talking myself out of everything…and cheating myself out of my own happiness.

Have you ever made up excuses or talked yourself out of doing something you really wanted to do?

These past few months have included some of the the most defining moments of my life — not the least of which was finally moving out of my parents’ house.

For years I have struggled with self-doubt when it came to both my weight loss and my writing career. I think it’s a fair claim to make that living under your parents’ roof in the post-college years somehow intensifies the inner turmoil that’s typically associated with the quarter-life crisis. But for me, self-confidence and the belief that I am actually capable of success — whether in the form of reaching my weight loss goals or landing assignments in my dream magazines — have always seemed just out of reach.

I have dreamed of being a writer since I was in the second grade. Interestingly enough, that was also the year when I suddenly found myself at the receiving end of the bullying that would continue until the day I received my high school diploma. In an era where my cruelest high school foes are just a click away on Facebook, I tend to avoid writing about my painful childhood years here, but I feel as though I can’t fully express the victory I experienced this weekend without at least a mention of my past.

Of course, I was teased and tormented because I happened to weigh more than just about everyone else in my class, and to this day I attribute my constant need to drown my emotions in food — and my inability to see myself as worthy of success — to my years of being bullied by my classmates…and, on many occasions, even those I considered my closest friends.

This weekend, I returned to a Weight Watchers meeting and stepped on the scale for the first time in months — and was pleasantly surprised to find that I was showing a loss of .4 pounds.

After over a decade of gaining and losing 20 pounds here or 60 pounds there, or having to sneak to the mall to buy bigger pants every couple of months, I realized that after months of holiday hooplah, a Florida vacation, and a move to my first apartment, I am actually succeeding at maintaining my weight.

For the first time in my life, I felt…cured.

I could have easily emerged from these past few months carrying around an extra 20 pounds, but instead, I realized that I have finally learned the secret to maintaining my weight loss…and that I have genuinely achieved what I once thought impossible. I am a healthy, active person now.

As my own worst critic, it’s often hard for me to recognize my own accomplishments, but to continue following my usual eating and workout routine despite weeks of skipped weigh-ins and the overwhelming task of having to pack 26 years of my belongings (and all the not-so-good memories associated with them) into boxes — and to come out in the end of it all maintaining almost the exact same weight — forced me to realize once and for all that while the old Jen still lives inside of me somewhere, I am, truly, an entirely different person. I no longer need the specter of a weekly weigh-in to keep me in check. I am enough.

I know I’ll have to work hard for the rest of my life not to give in to my old ways. I’ve accepted that the struggles with my weight aren’t going anywhere. I definitely succumbed to some of my former habits this weekend, as I was surrounded by hearty St. Patrick’s Day fare and festive green cocktails, but the difference now is that I know a day or two of not-so-great food choices or skipped workouts are not going to be enough to bring me down.

I no longer let the slip-ups that would have once completely derailed whatever diet I was on at the time make me feel like a failure. I’m living proof that allowing one mistake — like, say, avoiding the scale for weeks on end — to undo all of your hard work is all you need to send you right back to where you started.

I’ve even been pitching my dream magazines lately, and though I’m often faced with rejections — or, worse, a wall of complete silence — I’m starting to acknowledge myself as someone who can succeed as a writer. All I have to do is not give up.

I may not be at my goal weight, and I may not have bylines in all the newsstand magazines, but I’m slowly but surely starting to believe that I can reach my goals.

I’ve finally learned how to pick myself up when I fall, and not let my past dictate my future. The holiday season, family vacations, paying rent for the first time (not to mention having to cook all of my own meals!), and other life events are no longer powerful enough to send me to the refrigerator. I am finally in control.

And that, I believe, is truly the key to losing weight…and keeping it off.

I absolutely, positively hate the gym.

When I first began losing weight, if I wasn’t at home or at work, I was on the elliptical at my local YMCA. As a result of juggling two jobs, my only available workout time was 5:30am — and that’s precisely when I would arrive at the gym, every single weekday morning.

While at first I was intimidated and insecure about how I, a 265-pound young woman, would look to others as I sweated and grunted my way through 30 minutes on the cross trainer, it wasn’t long before the gym became my second home.

If I missed a day, everyone wanted to know where I had been. As the pounds began melting off my body, I became the subject of admiration. People wanted to know how I was losing the weight, and — believe it or not — some women even began asking me for diet and exercise advice.

The gym had become a place that I associated with success, so it was no wonder that I did everything in my power to squeeze in a workout at least five times a week — at one point, I even belonged to two gyms at once!

Suddenly, my identity had transformed from an obese, lonely couch potato to a fit, healthy gym rat — and I was loving every second of it.

I really can’t pinpoint when my hot-and-heavy love affair with the gym began to fizzle out. Maybe it was after I signed up for my first 5K, and found running outdoors far better preparation for tackling a 3.1 mile road race than pounding a treadmill. Possibly it was after I began plunking down a significant portion of my monthly income to join a local karate studio and participate in Muay Thai-style kickboxing classes three times a week. Or perhaps it was when I received a truckload of fitness accoutrement, from kettle bells to a BOSU ball, for my birthday and Christmas and assembled my own makeshift workout studio in the basement.

Whatever the reason, in recent months I’ve been finding myself dreading my sessions with the treadmill. For weeks I’ve been falling victim to the evil Excuses Monster whenever it comes time to hop in my car and hit the gym.

I just don’t want to go, and I’ll do anything I can to substitute 40 minutes of pedaling my way through a ho-hum elliptical workout with another form of physical activity for the day — yes, even housecleaning!

Now, before you get a mental picture of me spending my afternoons lounging on the couch in my sweats, let me assure you that I am continuing to exercise just as often — and just as intensely — as ever. I still work out 5-6 days per week, and typically for at least 45 minutes. Sometimes I’m taking my kickboxing class, and sometimes I’m eking out lunges or experimenting with new kettle bell routines from my favorite fitness magazines in the basement.

(And yes, I do, of course, still have a gym membership.)

The only difference is that I’m now harboring a new love interest: the Great Outdoors. Even in the midst of frigid New Jersey winter temperatures, my second home has become the local park and biking trails.

I absolutely love lacing up my sneakers and giving myself an opportunity to enjoy some fresh air as I head out for a run around the neighborhood, or a bike ride to the park with the help of my favorite 2011 Christmas present: a Trek 7.3 hybrid.

Exercising outdoors has a way of making me feel energetic and invigorated in a way that watching the clock as I jog mindlessly on a treadmill never has. Better yet, I know for a fact that I get a more vigorous full-body workout from running or biking outdoors than one on a treadmill or stationary bike — I can tell you that it’s a heck of a lot harder pushing myself through a four-mile run on the sidewalk than on a treadmill that does a lot of the work for me!

The best part of all is knowing that I have lots of options for getting in my workout, even if the desire to pump iron in a stuffy gym packed with New Year’s Resolutioners just isn’t striking.

I know many people take cover and hibernate their way through these bitterly cold winter months, but for anyone who feels that they have to solely get their sweat on at the gym until April, I can assure you that all you need is the right attitude — okay, and the appropriate winter workout wear — to experience some of the best outdoor workouts of 2012 right now!

What are some of the ways you exercise outdoors – even in the winter?